Last Sunday, the 11th, double "A" texted me with a proposition to get together on Wednesday. Of course I engaged him and his behavior, rewarding him with a response. Of course hooking-up never came to fruition. Yeah, I was disappointed. Yeah, I was hesitant. Such an experience has never happened to me and for him to be my first would be of huge importance. Or would it? I kept telling myself it would be fine. I just want to get it over and done with anyway. But Amanda said to me that you really want your first time to be special before you go out and start screwing the world. Haha.
But still, I yearn for him. He's something that I want to conquer. I've come to the realization that I am attracted to major closet cases, not because they're closeted per se, but because they propose the hardest chase.
I know it's not fair to me that he can keep me on such a short leash. Responding to him is something that gives him power and I'm more that willing to give it to him. But I don't know why I can't just cut the cord? Why do I insist on playing a game of cat and mouse when a large part of me wants to settle down with someone I deserve?
Now he's moving, supposedly, and I want that chance. That taste. The blood.
I've really done a number on myself. I don't know why I'm so destructive. I regret too much sometimes I feel. I want to carpe diem, but I'm too timid by the possibility of being really hurt.
So, this is where the part of the black hole comes to the forefront. What do black holes do but suck up light? They destroy every thing that comes into their path by taking everything beautiful out of it. There's a certain dance that both stars and black holes do with gravity being their swan song. They dance and spin around until one caves.
Perhaps it wasn't meant to be, but man does that sure suck.
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