Friday, March 30, 2007

You have to break some eggs...

So, on Monday I most definately fucked up. I got a D-dub. That's DWI for those who don't speak freak. I realized I had it coming and I know that is terrible. Horrible in fact.

I hope to right the wrongs of this violation. I talk to a lawyer on Monday and am looking for a new job to cover these costs.

I realize that I'll get my license taken away for at LEAST 30 days. It should be taken. It's not unfair, just an inconvience. Nothing a person who has their shit together can't handle.

Which brings me to my point. After some sleepless nights. Call it fate, or rationality, or God, something happened the other night that turned everything on. Waked me up. I realized that everything will be alright and I'll be a better person for this. It'll teach me hard work and responsibility: both I've lacked probably my whole life. I've never really struggled. And I think that this will get me out there and on my own. Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get to the top and I think that's what this is.

I'm positive and looking forward to the challenge. Hopefully the universe will agree with me.

God, Inc., Episode 6

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Entry 50 comes quite blissfully

So, a little update of inane gibberish.

I'm enjoying my job much more than I was. I AM grateful to have a job, despite my distain for it. There are a handful of people I enjoy seeing on a regular basis. There is one that I loathe.



I have a major crush on someone there. He's not gay, unfortunately (which is always how it works with me). But it's nice to have a crush.

I've started talking to Scott on the phone. I returned his call the other day after he called randomly, but he hasn't called back. Perhaps I'll push things forward.

I really like to be aggressive with guys. Girls have these rules about being considered "pushy" or "psycho". I find it perfectly entertaining. It's like; "I'll put forth effort if I'm interested." Why not just be aggressive, be, be aggressive. Go team!



Okay, bed time. Work tomorrow. Hopefully some fun in my near future.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I fell into it

I love Gap ads. Tonight I was watching TV at Jordan's and this new Gap ad came on with Patrick Wilson and Claire Danes (only gay people know who these two are). They were dancing to "Anything you can do I can do better" in Khakis. When the commercial was over Jordan (from the bathroom) said, "You loved that didn't you?" I laughed and said yes. I then told her that I love that she knows that. Check it out.

Monday, March 19, 2007

"It was a rainy night..."

All I can say is "All that I wanna do is make love to you!!!" I f*ing love Heart.

While driving up from JC tonight I thought about why I LOVE driving a manual.



When exiting on to the AC Exit I noticed how mundaeing the damn drive was. It was so smooth and you didn't really have to break to slow the car down. The words have now come to mind to express what it's like.



When you drive a manual you are the gear shift. You control when the speed changes. The push and pull of gravity is more connected to you. More influenced on you. You become a part of the car. It is a great feeling. It definitely gives you a much greater interaction with driving. It makes it a full body experiene.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Visual DNA

This is really cool. I took this visual test and it tells you about yourself. It's pretty on the money.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The art of precision

Tonight after drinking at McNally's we went to Beth's and smoked.

As always deep conversation commenced. Somehow Beth's gecko inspired us to talk about animals. Then I brought up how my mind doesn't think scientifically. I told everyone that it's really hard for me to grasp those concepts. Andrew agreed and told us about his mind set being about following directions. The art of precision as he called it.

Unlike science, which is more study and research, the art of precision lies in the study of accuracy. What works well. Andrew said he studies history (which makes sense).

I feel like Jordan and I lie in the art of expression. I know I want to write about emotions and images. I want for everyone to live and see what I see: beauty. I just want to express. That's my art.

I just love how everyone expresses an art in each and every one of their skills. Call it talent. Call it craft. It's all an expression of the person. It is art.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Kylie



I totally get why gay men love Kylie. And I, being of the fairer sect myself, am no exception. She embodies everything that the gay community loves: great costumes/fashion, dance music and that sort of siren voice which is more presence than substance. I'm glad she's back and ready to kick ass again after battling breast cancer. One of my favorite songs is "Chocolate".



Fragile seams
I opened my too quick and all my dreams
Were walking out I'd slowly
Lost my fire
With every single man a river cried

I had no sensation
Completely numb, left with no satisfaction
I thought no-one could ever get me high again
I swear, I was not looked

Oh, waited so long
I thought the real thing was a fake
I thought it was a tool to break me down
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If love were a human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
Hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

Tastes so good
My heart's been mended who'd have thought it would
An empty bet and still I won the cash
A man who I love and who
Loves me back

Oh, waited so long
For love to heal me so I'd feel it
Thought it wasn't breathing then you came
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If love were a human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
Hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If love were a human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
Hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down

Like chocolate come here
Zoom in, catch the smile
There's no doubt it's from you
And I'm addicted to it now

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart here to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart here to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart here to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart here to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If love were a human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
Hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If love were a human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
Hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

God, Inc., Episode 5



I love that someone created a God, Inc. theme song! Hahahaha!!!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Angels In America


I encourage everyone to watch Angels in America now that they can since it's forever on DVD. I've only seen the HBO miniseries (which is brilliant). I'm sure it's great on stage. I just got done watching it today (well, yesterday) and always am blown away by how profound it is.



True, it's a little high and mighty, but it has all the goods to back up its arrogance. I mean, literallly, I don't think anyone can translate what is being said sometimes. But when it's good, its great. The words are amazing. I've never been so taken by words. I can see why the teaming of Tony Kushner and Mike Nichols turned out so well. They're both from theater backgrounds.



Some more profound moments...

Roy: Like all labels they tell you one thing and one thing only: where does an individual so identified fit in the food chain, in the pecking order? Not ideology, or sexual taste, but something much simplier: clout. Not who I fuck or who fucks me, but who will pick up the phone when I call, who owes me favors. This is what a label refers to.



Harper: So when we think we've escaped the unbearable ordinariness and, well, untruthfulness of our lives, it's really only the same old ordinariness and falseness rearranged into the appearance of novelty and truth. Nothing unknown is knowable.

Joe: I had a book of Bible stories when I was a kid. There was a picture I'd look at twenty times every day: Jacob wrestles with the angel. I don't really remember the story, or why the wrestling - just the picture. Jacob is young and very strong. The angel is...a beautiful man, with golden hair and wings, or course. I still dream about it. Many nights. I'm...it's me. In that struggle. Fierce, and unfair. The angel is not human, and it holds nothing back, so how could anyone human win, what kind of fight is that? It's not just. Losing means your soul thrown down in the dust, your heart torn out from God's. But you can't not lose.



Harper: I don't understand why I'm not dead. When your heart breaks, you should die. But there's still the rest of you. There's your breasts, and your genitals, and they're amazingly stupid, like babies or faithful dogs, they don't get it, they just want him. Want him.

Angel: You are Mere Flesh. I I I I am Utter Flesh, Density of Desire, the Gravity of Skin: What makes the Engine of Creation Run? Not Physics But Ecstatics Makes the Engine Run: The Pulse, the Pull, the Throb, the Ooze...

Angel: The Body is the Garden of the Soul

Prior: It just...It just...We can't just stop. We're not rocks - progress, migration, motion is...modernity. It's animate, it's what living things do. We desire. Even if all we desire is stillness, it's still desire for.

Harper: Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there is a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead.

Prior: The world only spins forward.

"I'm screaming out for my dreams to be heard"

I have never been so angry in my life. I'm just so mad. I'm mad at work and mad at the world. I feel like I'm being suffocated underneath a pillow and I'm screaming and screaming and trying to breath. Trying to get out the anger and frustration. But it's like nothing is giving way. Jesus, I'm angry.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Marking my calander

April 17 at noon. I'm getting another branding. Pics will be posted.

Will Young


I recently downloaded some songs from Will Young. He's the British Pop Idol winner from 2002. His voice is so smooth and silky. I just fell for his voice on the spot. AND he's gay AND 5 years older than myself. Haha. Rrright. But still, it's nice to dream. Sometimes he looks like plastic for his various photoshoots, but he's a good looking kid.



I hope a lot more celebrities come out this year. We need more representation. We just need to take over. Last night at Deuce or should I say douche I was at the bar and I guess everyone was waiting for me to close my tab and Eric turned around and asked where I was. Shenay said at the bar and he said "that fag". I mean, in hind sight it's not a big deal and I know he doesn't mean it, but Sheniqua slapped him. Then as we were leaving he told me about it, thinking I'd just laugh it off with him. I told him that it's not okay. I mean, I know homosexuals are trying to take back the word. I just don't think I'll ever be okay with it. I mean, yeah, I can use it, but I still don't. Once you've been called a faggot, you don't want hear the word uttered ever again.



Oh, well. What can you do? Just keep on breaking stereotypes and paving the way for everyone to be okay with each other I guess. Step by step.

"And I could write it down"

So the job seems to be going much better than before. However I still don't like it. I just want to be doing something more, earning more. Is it so much to ask for something to challenge me, or, something that is worthy of my abilities? I know that this seems like ingratitude, but I want to be a professional. I mean, I got the degree, where's the job? I don't want to clean up after people and deal with their needy requests. Again, I just want to write.

...and I would like something to go right in my life right about now. Either job wise, relationship wise or health wise. (I need to go get my gym membership and work on my fitness). Is it not that when one part of your life goes horribly awry another will flourish? I'm ready for something to flourish and I think I'm worth some growth damn it.