Frustration Concentration

I haven't posted in over a month. I feel uninspired. That word alone can make someone put a noose around their neck.

I've been trying so hard to make things work. I feel focused and energetic. Somehow though, the energy I feel I'm putting out, isn't coming back to me in the way I expected it.



My life now is mundane. It's filled with wonderful people. I can look forward to my day and know where it will take me, but where are the ends?

I'm not unhappy by any means, I'm just antsy. Frustrated.

I keep thinking maybe I need to move on. Either physically or emotionally.

Why can't I find my footing? Where is my place?

Collision Course

I want to express how much I love every person in my life.




It's terrible that I can't express that to anyone who is important to me.

Ok...

So, obviously I learned something...at least in html code. I was just able to put a "trademark" under my blog title. Fuck yeah!

Goddamn Community Center Courses

So my experience tonight at my career center course was not very positive.

I came in with a really positive attitude. Ready to learn. Ready to kick Adobe Dreamweaver's ass. I however, was disappointed with the lack of structure, I guess.

I guess my frustrations come down to others that were distracted by, what I consider, mundane things. Or things I wouldn't be stuck on. (I hate the fact that I ended that sentence in a preposition). The other people totally threw my concentration off.



Also, our instructor totally did not follow a steady structure. He even apologized for "jumping around" on the course outline.

We'll see on Monday how much I absorbed when I play with Dreamweaver at my internship.

AHahahahaha!!!!

There's so much happening right now. I'm overwhelmed, but in the greatest way possible. I have work that I love, people in my life that fulfill every need, but things are escalating. Emotions are rising. And I have to watch my footing while on this marathon.



I can't slip. And I feel myself wanting to. I want things I can't. They aren't mine to have.

Emotional cul-de-sac.

25 and Still Alive!

It's surreal, and yet, mundane to get older. I've reached my "quarter life" whatever the hell that means and I couldn't have spent it with any other people in the world.



To the four greatest people I've ever met, I thank you for taking the time out to let me know what I mean to you. I can't repay that. I love you all.

To the fifth person that just gets me totally and loves me period; I love you, and we'll be together soon. I can't live without you.

And to my Mom. You've given me life, and I can't imagine how you feel knowing that your creations are people with lives separate from your own. That's a freeing and heartbreaking realization in and of itself.

It's great to be here.

That Quote

As soon as I wrote it down...BAM! I remembered where that quote came from. Only one of the best movies ever made, The Shawshank Redemption!



Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

Hello Again, Is It Me You're Looking For?

I posted one month ago exactly. I feel like I don't utilize this as much as I should.

Anyway, I have to write about some new theories I have discovered under the influence of a very special batch of scones.

I have deducted that humans are both a unique channel of energies, life revolves around water, and something else. Hmm...(insert obvious stoner joke).

First point. Humans, everyone, every thing is made up of atoms, correct? What are atoms but forms of energy? I think people would agree. In space there's nothing but atoms and molecules, etc. This energy is formed into the three-dimensional world. This is where we become physical things. It's a very concentrated version of energy. Tightly packed. And when we die. When our physical bodies switch off, that energy is released. Just poof. Back into the universe.

I think humans are unique in that they have their own energy, their own being. But then we're released out of this dimension. And what's out there is dimensionless. It's the conscience that's released. It's not here, but it's not not here. It's all knowledge and all being.

This channel of energy is streamed into the third-dimension. Just always going. I guess the closest thing we have a name for it is time. But it's a cold name for something so grand, so infinite. But this stream is always in motion. It's the flow of our energies.

It's this flow that gives us form in the physical. This physical energy is water. Which is my second point.

Water gives us what we are. What life needs. Humans are 80 percent water. The earth is 75 percent water. It's the life source of our physical universes. And what a great correlation between the earth and humans. Of course we're destroying our planet. We destroy ourselves. But I digress.

The other night I just felt that my body was traveling through space and time in waves. I felt the flow of life. It was scary, exhilarating, comforting and beautiful all in one.



Which gets me to my third discovery (told you I'd remember). The three dimensional energies we interact with fire, wind, water, earth are the physical manifestations of what the universe is like. Like our interaction with these elements is supposed to help us understand what the universe is like. Its made of all these brilliant energies, and our relationship with these elements is interaction of the energies within the universe.

I think I just need to retire from writing for now.

It was the best of times...

Then the other times just blow ass!

I'm writing at a point in my life where I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I officially have no place I am living. I can't make ends meet with my current job. But things are in motion. I know this. I believe this. I know what must be done and I've set forth to do those things. It's just time.



But I choose not to focus on that. I can't have it now. I have to be drug through the dirt a bit. Live life.

I'm just so grateful for the friends I have. They've been more than a blessing. I can't repay them for the kindness they've shown.

Thank you for the life I have, the person I am, and the challenges I face.

So Happy?

Okay. I've been thinking about "being happy" recently and what that really means.

I think people around me have been observing my behavior and my actions and have been concerned if I'm happy or in-touch with my obligations. To this I must address my current conscience status.

I believe that I'm doing well. I'm currently in a spot where I'm both secure and be able to move on in a moments notice.

Back when I was more ego driven, I would always feel as though I couldn't play the game (of life). As though life were a chess game, I felt I couldn't play, but because I was overwhelmed with the pressure of playing, I was always worried how to make the next move.

Now I know that I can play, and that I've been playing, and that I will win.

Let me get back to my point.

When people ask "How's it going?" or "How are you"? I've never been able to give an accurate portrait of how I feel and I'm always stupefied to stop and think about it.

This all leads to the absorption of the current moment. A lot of people associate happiness to what they've accomplished, accumulated, amassed, etc. in their life, to their feelings about themselves. This leads to making feelings about yourself. (Feelings are made, not natural).

So, when you ask, "How are you"? I add my current "wealth" to what I associate as to being what's important. And what is important is what makes you happy, right?

What is important? Being in the moment. (My point. *ding* *ding* *ding*)

Rationally absorbing the emotions you experience from one given hour of the day to the next is important. I now recognize when I'm experiencing emotions, rather than giving myself over to my emotions.

This is a monumental break-through. It is freeing, while also making you feel guilty that others can't see yourself acting in a way that's best for you.

I know I'm fortunate enough to have vocal enough people in my life to raise their concern for me, and bring those concerns to me. This questioning of my status helps to reflect on my current reality and center myself. That is why there is meant to be more than one person on the planet, not to better the unit, but to better the individual. Thus bettering the whole.

These are all very big break-through's. Be impressed.

I just wrote a novel.

Right Now is a Great Day!

That heavy hustler Harpo (aka Oprah) for her book selections. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle is such a fascinating read. Not only is it interesting but it helps you attain Consciousness! AH!




I haven't been keeping up with Oprah and her show to join in on their class online, but I read in little segments (thank God it has many breaks in each chapter to do so) and then I reflect on what I've read. I totally meditate! Cool.

I was excited all day to go walking with Nala after work and the walk was so amazing. I put my iPod on, got the leash, and we were off. I got so lost meditating in the moment.

It was a great time to time-out being in the moment. It wasn't I, but my Being. Being with Nala, being in the Sun, being among the colors of every plant and branch and tree, being each step I take. It was so great.



I'm really happy. Well, I guess, I'm not happy, but I'm all these emotions. It's true, too. I feel neither sad or depressed; nor, do I feel gay and jubilant. I'm just aware of all these emotions I experience all day. It's like being above your emotions, kind of like how people who almost die feel an out-of-body experience. I initially thought that it would be like censoring your emotions and being sort of zombie like, but it's so freeing and beautiful to look at your mind and emotions. It's beautiful. This body. These emotions. This Earth. This life. AH. C'est magnifique!

Office Space

I'm amazed at the jobs that I get sometimes. Take this job at the Missouri Department of Revenue for instance.

I have never worked in a place that was so...skeeza. Let's look at some facts about these people.



I have never before worked with so many people that have been beaten with the ugly stick. It's mean to say but true. Have I just been too spoiled by working in Columbia? I know the age ranges are a little disproportionate, but still, the accumulation of fugly is "wowing".

And the way they dress does not improve their disposition. When did business casual become hooded sweatshirts and white socks worn with dark shoes. Can you say fashion faux pas?

Not only is there the age, attractive and fashion factors, but the individuals themselves.

Does the overweight woman need to be smoking on breaks if she has to take an inhaler with her?

Does the porker girl with bad bleach blond hair need to wear so much eyeliner that she looks like a raccoon?

There's the old man who wears his khakis hiked up over his belly and makes weird noises at the urinal when he goes pee at every break.



Do people need to constantly laugh and talk about inappropriate things like artificial insemination? Also the use of curse words is very unprofessional. My supervisor used "shit" three times on Monday. Classy.

Well, at least they're happy.

A Trama Recall

This past weekend we were all sitting around at Amanda's and just drinking and shooting the shit. As with most friends, stories from shenanigans past were divulged.

Somehow we got on the topic of animals and the disgusting habits that seem to come so naturally to them. Jordan reminded me of the time we saw these two white toy poodle, fluffy pieces of shit when driving on Rock Quarry Road when I lived in Columbia.



Jordan and I were driving north on Rock Quarry and along the road between Old Nifong and Grindstone is a trailer park. There are also some straggler trailers at the corner of Rock Quarry and Grindstone.

Well, we head to the light at Grindstone and Rock Quarry and these two nasty toy poodles are in the middle of the road. I stop as to not hit them. It wasn't so much that they were in the street that bothered me, but the shear fact that their white faces were soiled with blood and guts from a carcass that was on the side of the road. The dogs proceeded to go to the carcass and rub and roll in its remains.



I'm pretty sure all I wanted to do was run over those nasty fuckers. All other animals in the world, one. Dogs, zero. It was truly one of the most horrific and horrid things I've seen in quite some time.

Eh, 2008

I must first apologize to myself for not writing in so long. I've been through a major funk. Yes, a depression. I've just been so discouraged by being fired and not finding something right away. I felt inspired at first and thought it would come easy. That was my thinking, "Maybe now that I'm free from the Humane Society I can now pick up a higher paying job that I deserve."



But it is not that easy. It's months of hard work to find a job. That fact alone got me so discouraged. I know I need to find something fast and I don't have a problem looking in the service industry.

Okay, 2008 and I'm out of it and ready. That's step one. I'm in it and ready.

Lately my anxiety has been getting to me by not having money coming in. I've been remembering my dreams lately and I always remember them when I'm under distress, unrest.



I remember having a dream where I had leeches on my ass after swimming in a pond. I remember having to take them off. They left red patches on my flesh.

Another dream I had involved me blowing my nose. When I took the tissue back it was covered in blood and at the bottom left-hand corner in blood was the anarchy sign. Hahaha. It was a little scary.



Oh, dreams. They're made of these.

The Year in 2007

So, the reviews are in and 2007 sucked.

Let's see, I started off pretty up-in-the-air after having graduated.

I started working at Target in February, which turned out to be not so bad. Cool people. I got a cool friend out of it. I met a new headcase that I spent more time thinking about than I'd like to admit. Red and khaki is just obnoxious when you think about it.

I then turned my attention to the Humane Society, aka Satan's Playhouse of Terror and Soul-sucking. I really think that job has been the most damaging thing I've ever done thus far. Key word being: thus far.

Now it's nowhere fast. I've been plagued by lack of motivation and lack of enthusiasm. Everyone can see I'm unhappy. I can no longer pretend to enjoy people's company. I'm discouraged because I don't have a job and even more so because I don't have money to pay my debts, let alone enjoy myself out on a night on the town with my friends.

At least 2007 was my year. I mean, I really did a lot and went through a lot without much distraction from others.

These little hurts will heal.

Okay, top five movies:

1. Across the Universe


2. Grindhouse


3. The Darjeeling Limited


4. Knocked Up


5. Hot Fuzz


Top five albums:

1. M.I.A. - Kala


2. Amy Winehouse - Back to Black


3. Rilo Kiley - Under the Blacklight


4. Timbaland - Timbaland Presents Shock Value


5. Across the Universe Soundtrack

Decisions, decisions

So, I have zero percent clue where to make my next move.

I feel like there's this sign from the universe when Jordan came back. And she's going back to Cali. I know I don't have money to move there, but I don't know if I can handle staying back here for another six months.

I'm exhausted from investing all my time in a place I don't want to be. A place that can't afford me the opportunities that I seek.



Hopefully I can make a trip with Jordan out to go get her car, head to Cali, and maybe look for jobs there while I'm away. MAYBE even find a place that'll give me a moving bonus? Eh?

Seriously. Why is it always something?

Make Sure There's A Place for Cousin Jethro!

!Warning! This will not be a nice entry.

My mom got a Christmas card from one of her step-nephews today. It had a custom return address sticker made with the parents and the four kids faces on it. Yes, I said four children. Two from the wife's previous marriage and the two youngest from this union of holy matrimony. Below the custom faces is listed, "The Sapp Zoo".

I started laughing because of the embarrassing label of being called a "zoo". That's an open admission that you have too many children occupying space on this earth.



The family that the father, my mom's step-nephew, comes from are hoosier as you can throw a wood-burning stove at. The father seems to always have some sort of overalls on. The mother is loud and a complete alpha male. I believe our current lexicon would call her a "boss bitch". The children, two boys and a girl, all have names ending with a long "E" vowel sound.

There's a blissful ignorance that I admire in them though. They really don't focus on tomorrow or the bigger picture, either they don't have the brain function to or regard for the current times in which we as a society live. Let's give them enough credit to go with the latter.

But the thing that gets my admiration, which is little, is the fact that they live day to day and focus on their simple lives. Granted I think they have more times to focus on the little things, which drives me nuts to think about, so, maybe I'm living the better life. Surely.

Their simplicity is both heartbreaking and freeing. Heartbreaking because they'll never escape what it's like to have three children before the age of thirty. They'll never see how they can cease to contribute to humanity's woes by overhauling their lives to consume less. They're stuck in an uneducated tangle of lives lived in the woods. Where having Christmas in the garage of their hand-built house is the height of sophistication. What's more freeing that limiting ones own view of the world by sticking to your immediate vicinity?



Well, here's to you Bobby, Dusty, Rusty, Sandy, Cody, Toby, Kenny, Mindy, Wendy, Abby, Harry, Larry, Cherry, and Buck! I toast to your rise and our downfall!!

Dreaming of It...

So, I was driving stoned from J-dawgs' bro's and "Californication" by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers came on and I was thinking of no. 1 how amazing this band is, and no. 2, how right on the money that songs is.



There's sort of a refuge that people think of when they think of California. They think if they escape there they'll become the big star, or find more to their lives than they do now. A lot of times they get caught up in it though. All the bullshit. They get caught in trying to change into someone they think they want to be and step further and further away from the person they are.



I think there's a lot of knowledge out west and I want to go out there. To live away from this stone tower surrounded by walls of fields. It's suffocating. I want inspiration and experience. Sometimes I think I've exhausted everything there in Missouri. I know you have to make your own fun, but it's more than just fun, it's knowledge and experience I seek. And believe it or not, those things are limited where I am. Perhaps I won't even be happy elsewhere. Maybe this is as good as it gets?



I need a job to occupy my boredom.

My Addiction to Black Holes

Based on a recent conversation with Andrew, last night to be exact, I've come up with the perfect analogy to describe my dysfunctionality.

Last Sunday, the 11th, double "A" texted me with a proposition to get together on Wednesday. Of course I engaged him and his behavior, rewarding him with a response. Of course hooking-up never came to fruition. Yeah, I was disappointed. Yeah, I was hesitant. Such an experience has never happened to me and for him to be my first would be of huge importance. Or would it? I kept telling myself it would be fine. I just want to get it over and done with anyway. But Amanda said to me that you really want your first time to be special before you go out and start screwing the world. Haha.



But still, I yearn for him. He's something that I want to conquer. I've come to the realization that I am attracted to major closet cases, not because they're closeted per se, but because they propose the hardest chase.

I know it's not fair to me that he can keep me on such a short leash. Responding to him is something that gives him power and I'm more that willing to give it to him. But I don't know why I can't just cut the cord? Why do I insist on playing a game of cat and mouse when a large part of me wants to settle down with someone I deserve?



Now he's moving, supposedly, and I want that chance. That taste. The blood.

I've really done a number on myself. I don't know why I'm so destructive. I regret too much sometimes I feel. I want to carpe diem, but I'm too timid by the possibility of being really hurt.



So, this is where the part of the black hole comes to the forefront. What do black holes do but suck up light? They destroy every thing that comes into their path by taking everything beautiful out of it. There's a certain dance that both stars and black holes do with gravity being their swan song. They dance and spin around until one caves.

Perhaps it wasn't meant to be, but man does that sure suck.

Gratitude for Lack of Altitude

I really have no clue what is bothering me so much.

I'm stressed on the job front because this time I'm holding out for something that I'll be with for a while. Like a long while. But there are no jobs that I want in Mid-Mo. Seriously. My mom hasn't been too harsh on me, but I know she's annoyed about the whole borrowing money thing.

I also enjoy not working. Haha. I mean I enjoy not having a grinding routine. I just want a really kick-ass job now. I want something totally deserving of my time and intelligence. The Humane Society just sucked the life out of me. Not because the work was excruciating or too difficult, but because it occupied so much of my time and emotion. Honestly I'm better off, but I miss my co-workers and I miss having a pay check. Getting fired totally side-swiped me.



I'm also very lonely. I just want a boyfriend. I need that part of my life to be fulfilled and the void always seems to be getting wider and wider. My patience also seems to be thinning and dissolving.

I'm going to go after this Missouri Theater job. I'll flood their inbox with damn e-mails until they respond dammit!

I think I'm going to go to STL this weekend to pursue an internship at the magazine Sheniqua is currently interning for right now. I'd love to work along side her, but I don't know if she'll be there? They're having an internship open house and I think that will be better for me than a fucking cover letter. I don't know why cover letters are hard for me, but they are. Maybe it's because I feel they're so limiting. I mean think about it: you have four paragraphs top to sell yourself and your experience when all you want to write is, "I have a fucking college education, can pick-up anything if instructed competently, and will bring an awesome dynamic to the workplace." Seems simple enough, right? But that is not the case. I hope I can see Sheniqua. I miss that girl. Plus, a spring internship would be great, granted I'd have to get a part-time job to support myself, but the experience would be amazing. Combine that with my writing experience already PLUS contacts in the publishing industry. Hopefully that could land me a job in Cali.



Bottom line: I think freelance, for all of its chaos, would be a perfect field for me. It's not 9 to 5. It's unconventional.

I never thought I'd be so against the establishment, but I can't do the daily grind.

I was talking with Amanda a couple of hours ago. She's been going through basically the same stuff, job and male frustrations, and we talked about how these hard times will only make us stronger and more interesting. We both don't want that same daily pony show and we're scrapping by. It's hard for sure. But we also are having more fun. This is true. Time is also going by more slowly, too. And we both agree that because we aren't doing the normal routine we are experiencing more and enjoying our time more because we have the time to do so. Too bad everyone can't have that.

I'm grateful.