Chasing Medley

I cannot begin to describe how complicated my life seems to get around every corner. Just when I think I'm in the clear, another curve ball is thrown at me.



My feelings have escalated somewhat for a friend. I've spent much time analyzing our relationship and talked with some people about it.



All I can compare it to now is the movie Chasing Amy. Only this time, the roles are reversed. I am the gay man who has feelings for someone who is straight. And I've tried to deny these feelings for a couple of weeks. I also believe it is this denial that led to my getting a DWI. (I feel for the first time in my life I drank to cover-up my nervousness around this person).



I can tell that since I met this person it has been amazing. I've never been attracted (both physically and emotionally) to a person so suddenly. I almost feel a spiritual connection, too. Hahaha. I don't even know if I believe in that. But something beyond what I've ever known has happened to me and I think that is great.



I know the possibility of being with him is gone from me. And that's fine, I suppose. (I know I'm bound to get hurt, which is expected with me). But it's like; my happiness depends solely on HIS happiness. I don't think I have ever met someone who I think is more deserving of love and kindness is my life. And for him to receive that...the idea of him receiving that makes me happy. And I have no idea where this has come from at all. I'm a selfish person and for me to say these things regarding someone is pretty amazing (I think). Do I even believe in bullshit like this???



I think this is the most emotionally logical (in an illogical kind of way), and closest I've ever felt to experiencing love, I've ever been in all my life.